When you go on vacation to a new locale, it’s stimulating and exciting. There are new places to explore, things to do and see and that’s part of what makes it fun for many people, myself included.

Going back to a place you are intimately familiar with is different, though. We left Padova nine years ago and have been happy here in Oregon. We’ve been back to Italy several times since, and when we go visit old friends and familiar places, it dials my emotions way up.

There’s a lot of joy in seeing familiar faces and remembering shared times and stories. They’re people I care about and it’s good to see them. But seeing them briefly can be kind of rough, too. Things aren’t the same any more and you’re not part of their regular lives and even if you reconnect like old friends, you know it’s only for a brief moment. It’s a testament to friendship that they’re still there and so willing to meet up, but there’s also a feeling of parachuting in from a different world. It’s a special, and happy, occasion to get to see them – but that’s because you’re no longer part of life there.

“What if we’d never left?” is also one of the many things that go through your mind. It made sense to leave and we don’t regret it – we’ve seen and done much here in Oregon, and have felt pretty successful and happy in our new lives. But what if we were still back there in Padova? What if we went back? It wouldn’t be the same – we’re all at different points in our lives now. Kids who were small then are driving cars and in high school now. But there were people and places we knew and cared for, and things we liked about the culture and lifestyle that we miss. What might have been?

The sense of familiarity – your implicit memory of the place – is also strong but in some ways feels strange because it’s unconscious knowledge. You just know how to navigate somewhere, say, from the Bar dei Osei to Fradei Kempes (a favorite osteria), without thinking about it. It’s like your legs just take you there without your mind actively thinking about where to go, because they’re streets you’ve walked so many many times in the past. But you look around as you go, and because you haven’t lived there in years, it’s a constant “oh, I remember that place, and…. oh that shop is different now, and oh look, there’s that beautiful historic building, and hey kids, look, this was a roman bridge”. Details you knew, but were not all at the surface of your mind, since you haven’t seen them in person for years mean the reality in front of you combines with plentiful memories in a strange mix of thoughts and feelings.

I am grateful and feel so fortunate to have lived in and loved several very different places in my life, but it’s also true that each one leaves a hole in your heart when you move far away.